December 10, 2015 at 4:30pm, I’ll be graduating hell. Nearly 16 years later, I’ll finally be free. I’m overwhelmed with emotions, I don’t even know how to feel. I’m obviously quite happy that I’m done with school. What’s not obvious is that I feel a little sad. I feel sad because I’ve had to spend my entire life being where I don’t want to be, and doing what I don’t want to do. I briefly remember my first day of school. I remember suffrage. I cried, and cried, and I didn’t stop crying for two weeks. I don’t remember what I was thinking, but I’ve never stopped crying inside. I have a really bad attitude towards school, and that’s because I never wanted to do it. I’ve wanted to be reading scripts, and preparing for my close up.
I feel scared. School’s all I’ve known. I hate it, but school has been my whole life. Not knowing what’s on the next page is terrifying. I don’t know if I’ll have a decent job shortly after graduating, and I don’t want to move from one fiery pit to another. There’s no point in ending where I started. I want someone to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be okay, but no one can do that and mean it. In school everything had an order, nothing changed. Now that stability is gone, and I’m frightened.
As the last day of school approaches, I feel pressures vanishing. All my academic responsibilities that suffocated me are coming to end, and I can start to breathe again. Unfortunately, now that I don’t have a million deadlines in mind, I can think, and I think I’m lost.
I’m not lost, and yet I am. I know where I am, but I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I want to go, and I have an idea on how to get there, but the map in my mind is faded, blurred, and missing pieces. I don’t know if I’ll end up in my castle, or walk in circles and stay trapped in hell.
I’ve also been doing a lot of reflecting. Nearly 16 years in hell, and not one person I met stuck around. I’m more than okay with that. I’ve never been a people person. However, all that reflecting made me wonder what I’d be like, and what I’d feel like if I weren’t a loner. I realized I wouldn’t be me. Most people are followers. They all need validation, someone to look up to, and someone to tell them they belong. I’ve never wanted to belong, I’ve never looked up to anyone, and I’ve never needed validation. Not even as a child did I think, “I want to be like my dad,” or “I want to be like my mom.” I’ve always only wanted to be me. I’m a leader. I can stand with a million others behind me, or alone.
I only ever went to college because my mom said she’d stop supporting me if I didn’t. I’ve only ever wanted to perform, and be involved in the entertainment industry. Once the time came in high school to pick what it was you waned to be for the rest of your life, and study it for four plus years, I had already known. I’ve known since I was, like, two. The problem was that, I wasn’t going to go to school and study the performing arts, or anything art related. That would have been useless. I decided that if I was going to college, I might as well use it to my advantage and gain entry to the entertainment industry behind the camera, so I did. Along with college, I entered acting classes to focus on what I really wanted.
I won’t be attending my graduation ceremony. I didn’t attended my high school ceremony either, nor eighth grade promotion. There are many reasons why. I’m not willing to celebrate the pain I’ve gone through. I’ve been told that I should because graduating is an achievement, but I wish I never had to do it. Britney Spears, Steve Jobs, Justin Bieber, Kesha, and countless others never had to. I’m not willing to sit down in a gown with a bunch of other people and pretend I enjoyed my time with them, or that we’re friends. I’ve been told that a graduation ceremony is special. No, it’s not. Countless others do it, and experience it. Diamonds are only valuable because they’re rare. Also, I’ve never liked sharing. I don’t think sharing a ceremony with people I don’t really care about is special. If it were special it’d be a private ceremony all about me. Some people suggest I’ll regret not going. I’ve felt the way I do about graduations way back in eighth grade. I consider that evidence that I don’t change my way of thinking or as a person very much, and probably won’t. I will not regret my absence at graduation, but I would regret my attendance.
Despite all my negative feelings, there are things I’m grateful for. If I didn’t go to school, or had dropped out, I might have not discovered my ability to write. I discovered the ability in 11th grade when I was assigned to do a poetry project. If it had not been for school, I might not have the drive to succeed. Sometimes I like to imagine all alternate realties where I magically fell into success at a young age. I always imagine that I’d be happier, and completely accomplished; however, the only reason why I hunger for success and strive for it is because I’ve never had it. Had it not been for school, King Blandon’s Fantasyland wouldn’t exist, at least not the way it is now. Realizing that makes me grateful because, had it not been for that poetry project, I wouldn’t have my greatest creation. I’m thankful, and remain hopeful as I fight the battles of life.
I hope that I’m blessed with the path I want to take. I hope that I can impact the world, and change some points of view. I want to see a peaceful world. I don’t care if people like each other, but I want everyone to respect each other. I don’t like war. I don’t understand why anyone would fight someone else’s battle. I only know it’s because people are followers, and not independent leaders. The world would be a much better place if everyone stayed out of each other’s business. It shouldn’t matter if someone has different opinions, or live a different lifestyle, or dress a different way, or anything. Let people be their own person, even if you don’t like it. Respect their choice. Sometimes people don’t have a choice, they’re just born that way. Maybe, when the world respects each other, people won’t be afraid to stand alone, and be their own leader.
I believed that I had to conquer the world while I was young so time wouldn't run out. I became heartless and depressed because I wasn't able to. Because I felt detained in school, it became my hell, and my relationship with it has been apocalyptic. School was the demon that haunted my life, stealing my time. Even though many times I just wanted to give up and say, "goodbye," I never stopped fighting for my goals. I kept going for the kill. Despite there never being a sunny day at school, I always managed to escape in my imagination and creativity. Eventually college life began. I met a lover, that brings me joy and that I hope to keep. Looking back on life I realized there are a few things I wish I never did, but I don't kiss and tell. I wish everyone could respect each other, and be their own person. Instead everyone seems to be conservative, and are constantly belittling those who challenge the norm. They're all followers in each other's business. I remain hopeful for a happy future. One where people's backgrounds are insignificant. I fought a 16-year war, and will remain unstoppable. I might live in a fantasyland, but it's my home. I am, King Blandon!